


i'm lost (and it kills me) inside

by thisissirius



Series: ficmas 2020 [2]
Category: 9-1-1 (TV)
Genre: Love Confessions, M/M, Mid-Lawsuit, Oops, Protective Eddie Diaz (9-1-1 TV), Protective Evan "Buck" Buckley, Reconciliation, Yes I wrote that Tag
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-11
Updated: 2020-12-11
Packaged: 2021-03-11 02:27:03
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 929
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28017705
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thisissirius/pseuds/thisissirius
Summary: Buck’s world tilts again. “I just wanted to get my family back.”Realization dawns, and Eddie takes an aborted step forward. “Buck. Jesus, you should have said.”
Relationships: Evan "Buck" Buckley/Eddie Diaz (9-1-1 TV)
Series: ficmas 2020 [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2052177
Comments: 27
Kudos: 415
Collections: 9-1-1 ▶ Edmundo "Eddie" Diaz / Evan "Buck" Buckley





	i'm lost (and it kills me) inside

**Author's Note:**

  * For [bytheseas](https://archiveofourown.org/users/bytheseas/gifts).



> for my darling chels! you are always supportive when i post things and i love to see what you’re into at the moment. the perfect mutual and i hope you have a wonderful holday season <3

Eddie’s standing on his doorstep. “Lena wanted me to go to a fight.”

Buck’s world drops out from beneath him. “Eddie—”

Barging in, Eddie paces the length of Buck’s kitchen. He’s not usually so rude, and Buck’s got a million questions on his tongue. _Where’s Chris_ , and _why Lena_ , and _Why are you here?_

“You sued,” Eddie says, but he doesn’t sound accusatory. “I was going to listen to her and punch someone out because you _left_.”

The words bring Buck up short. “I didn’t—”

“Do you,” Eddie starts, cuts himself off. “I’m not supposed to be talking to you but,” an expression of distaste, a flicker, then vulnerability Buck doesn’t usually see, “I need my best friend.”

Buck’s world tilts again. “I just wanted to get my family back.”

Realization dawns, and Eddie takes an aborted step forward. “Buck. Jesus, you should have _said_.”

“I tried,” Buck manages, swallowing down the urge to cry. He’s so pathetic and he—

“Hey,” Eddie says, hand on Buck’s elbow. A pause and then, “are you okay?”

Nobody’s asked him that for a long time. Maybe Bobby during the tsunami but it wasn’t about Buck it was about the situation and, “No, no I’m not.”

Eddie says, “fuck," quietly, and moves, like he’s going to hug Buck. Maybe he doesn’t want to. Maybe he’s— “What can I do?” 

“Just stay,” Buck finds himself saying. The words are wrecked, torn from somewhere deep inside. Eddie’s expression doesn’t waver, his hands tighten on Buck’s arm. “For a little longer,” Buck continues. “Please.”

“You never have to _ask_ ,” Eddie says, tugging Buck forward. His nose rests at Buck’s temple, his fingers tight around Buck’s wrist, the back of his neck. “Whatever you need.”

Buck wants to ask why. Instead, he’s horrified to hear a sob leave his throat. Eddie lets him bury his face, forehead to shoulder, and turns his face into Buck’s hair instead. Buck doesn’t know what to do; whenever he’s fallen apart before, he’s been alone. Everyone leaves, Buck left so far behind he doesn’t think he’ll ever catch up. Maddie’s racing away from him, hand in hand with Chim. He’d never begrudge her that, ever, but it _hurts_ to be considered so little. Bobby doesn’t want him to come back to work and everyone’s moved on and everyone’s always so _far._. 

Eddie lets out a noise, as if it’s been punched out of him. “Buck.”

Oh, shit. “Did I say that out loud?”

There’s a sharp intake of breath. “You get left behind.”

“Yeah,” Buck starts.

Eddie tugs Buck away from his shoulder, a mimicry of their pose when Eddie dropped _there’s nobody in this world I trust more with my son,_ easy and sure, like he wasn’t handing Buck the greatest gift he possesses. There’s fear and uncertainty in Eddie’s eyes, but there’s hope too. There’s love and a wealth of _everything_ if Buck looks hard enough. 

“Eddie,” he breathes. 

“You get left behind,” Eddie repeats. Buck watches the way his throat bobs, the shine to Eddie’s eyes, the tongue darting to lick his lip. Tells that Eddie’s nervous; Buck knows him. The apprehension is almost too much to stand, but then Eddie’s saying, “I’m never enough.”

It’s the on the tip of Buck’s tongue to tell Eddie to fuck off, that’s not true because Eddie’s always enough. He’s never going to be anything less than enough for Buck. “You’re everything.”

Eddie looks surprised, mouth parted slightly. 

Buck finds courage, twists his fingers in Eddie’s shirt and steps closer—it’s not even possible—and thinks if they press forward a touch more, they’ll be kissing. “You’re everything, Eddie. To me. To Chris. You’re everything.”

“Buck,” Eddie says, and this time it’s his vulnerability. 

“You said it,” Buck plows on, does actually kiss Eddie, then, soft and certain. “If you’re enough for me, then,” a pause, “then maybe I won’t get left.”

Eddie looks a little wild around the eyes, but there’s not a hint of doubt anywhere. “Never.”

A voice in the back of Buck’s head always rings with _but what if_. 

“Chris won’t,” Eddie promises. He knows Buck better than Buck knows himself, sometimes, must know what’s running through Buck’s head. “I won’t. Not unless you’re coming with me.”

“Nobody can make promises like that,” Buck tries. 

Eddie shrugs, like he’s staring inevitability in the face and saying _go fuck yourself_ . It sends a thrill up Buck’s spine to know someone wants him that much, _loves_ him—

The word trips him up. 

“Eddie, it’s not—”

The kiss is hot, threatens to send Buck crashing to the floor. Instead, Eddie backs him up against the counter, fingers splayed over Buck’s heart.It’s racing, has to be, because Eddie’s smile, seeing Eddie happy, will never not make Buck’s heart thump a mile a minute. 

“I can make a promise like that,” Eddie says, closing his eyes, nose pressed to Buck’s cheek. They breathe for a moment, two, and then Eddie’s watching him again, the fear back in Eddie’s eyes. “Because I love you.”

The sob Buck lets out sounds loud in the silence left by Eddie’s declaration. “Eddie—”

“I love you,” Eddie says, voice certain. “I won’t leave you.”

It’s not enough to form belief—Buck’s working on years of abandonment, fear and hurt—but it’s enough to curl into Eddie, let Eddie wrap him up and whisper promises into his hair. 

Buck lets out a long, slow breath. “I’ll stay for you.”

The soft noise Eddie makes, the tightening of his hold, and then Buck’s adding,

“I love you, too.” 

**Author's Note:**

> find me on [tumblr](https://thisissirius.tumblr.com/tagged/fic%20by%20me)


End file.
